Osaka Sucker!

By Chemical X

Here we go into the next of Japan's four seasons! Of course, by "four seasons" we really mean "two seasons". It's one of those quirks of the language, like having different counting systems for bottles and pieces of paper. I like to call this season "Hot". Weirdly enough around this time, even as the temperature climbs towards Surface-Of-Venus levels and I sweat so much that wearing adult diapers would be more practical than undies, I always get the worst cold of the year. This is of course because the train companies crank the old air-con down to sub-zero and blow the Legionnaires Disease and mold spores that have been brewing in the pipes for months into our faces. I would rather throw myself headfirst naked down a dusty canvas tube lined with fishhooks onto a pile of salt and medical waste than ride the daily cattle-train crammed in with my fellow sweaty drones.

I take the Keihan local train into Kyobashi and by Mid-Hot I start to lose my mind. The train (trainee?) drivers seem to take pleasure in slamming on the brakes at random intervals, causing the slicked-up greasy piles of humanity to fall sideways onto each other, or stop halfway into the station for minutes at a time with the air-con turned off. During this Hell On Earth, not a sound is heard beyond the grinding of teeth and the leaking noise of my headphones playing Stormtroopers Of Death's 'Fuck The Middle East' at max volume. It keeps me sane. I also listen to Exploited's 'Fuck the U.S.A', N.W.A's 'Fuck The Police' and Slipknot's 'Fuck This World', just in case someone mistakes me for a racist. I just wonder how everyone else handles it. I can't understand why there are only one or two crazed kids-murdered-heads-left-on-spikes-outside-the-elementary-school crimes a year.

The only thing I can attribute it to is Japan's OTHER great summer treat, that safety valve of safety valves, BEER GARDENS!! Stress be gone! Oh yes, baby, Beer Gardens rock my world.

The best one out there in my opinion is the Hanshin Beer Garden on top of the Hanshin Department Store in Umeda. It's under ¥3000 for all you can eat and drink, with pretty good yaki-niku, decent selections of kimchi, salads, soy beans, etc. and kick-ass chilled beers and chu-hi. Best of all, they project the Hanshin Tigers games onto the side of the building! You can watch 30-foot versions of Yano, Kanemoto and co kick the Giants' asses along with a bunch of crazy reprobates. It rocks.

Harley Mark of ex-Covent Garden/Sky Bar fame has opened a new and intriguing-sounding joint called Route 66 down in Shitennoji. As with all of his endeavors, beer, music and food feature large. The twist is it's being set up as a conversation pub/lounge deal for Japanese people who want to learn English in a natural setting, i.e. less "this is a pencil" and more drinking beers and yelling at the World Cup. In Mark's words: "My target demographic are Japanese wanting to learn English... but in a REAL environment, a pub-type setting with free games, cheap drinks and good food, with sports on the screen, etc. I came up with the idea when I was thinking how I learned Japanese. I don't like to study, so I just wandered into places where regular Japanese hang out." It's a great place to do private classes or have parties, and a super cheap spot to hang out and drink, as foreigners get discounted (or even free!) drinks and food in exchange for just chatting with the Japanese clientele. Grand Opening is Saturday 3rd! Shitennoji-Mae Yuhigaoaka, Tanimachi line, Exit 4: go straight, it's just past the ramen shop. www.route66japan.com, 080-3111-3534.¥

Deron "Doctor D" Reynolds (ex-Unknown Frequency keyboards) is having a tasty birthday live blues and jazz revue at Savannah in Amemura (www.savannahbarandgrill.com) on Saturday 17th. It's a 21:00 start with no cover charge, and Savannah is always a cool place to see bands. Deron has a new album out soon as well. For the authentic experience while jamming to Doctor D, I recommend eating some spicy Savannah nosh, drinking a bunch of Jack and Cokes and smoking a packet of Camels. You haven't lived until you've been strip-searched and beaten after wetting your pants while screaming abuse at the cops in Triangle Park.

The Japanese band that is kicking my ass at the moment is otto. Formerly known as Sugar For a Dime, you may remember them from the Loco Loco/Larks In the Parks festivals and innumerable shows with Tripod Jimmy. Just signed to BMG/Sony and back from recording their new album in New York, I saw them a week ago and they gave me a good mind-beating. In June they are doing some shows in support of said album. You can check them at Pipe 69 in Amemura on Friday 2nd, Helluva Lounge in Kobe on Saturday 17th and Club Vijon in Shinsaibashi on Saturday 18th. Honestly, if you were ever thinking of getting out of the English teachers' bars and checking out some blazing hot Japanese bands for a change, you couldn't go wrong with these guys. See www.8web.jp for more info. They speak good English too, so don't be shy!

For the kick-ass DJ event of the month, I'm going with the ARISE 3rd Anniversary Party at AtlantiQs near Triangle Park in Shinsaibashi. ARISE have been kicking out the punk/metal/hardcore/rock jams for, errrrm, 3 years now, and are celebrating by throwing the sort of party yo' Mama warned you about. If you think that Slipknot, Iggy Pop, Cock and Ball Torture, Corrupted, Janes Addiction, My Chemical Romance and AFI all go together, this is the party for you. Their events always have a really cool vibe and a mosh-friendly crowd. Get on down to the rock part of town. Saturday 24th, www.arise-osaka.com, (06) 6258-2525.

For a good yaki-niku nosh I recommend SEX MACHINE!!! Named after a James Brown song rather than a vibrating pink plastic column or a wispy-mustachioed Teutonic love god, Sex Machine serves up cold beers, great food and funky tunes. Cook dude Naoki has a cool laid-back attitude and the place is refreshingly low-key. It's right next to Dotonbori River in Namba (nearest exit #25), go to www.sexmachine.jp/access.html for a map. It's a good place to start the evening.

My recommendations this month are:

Short Jokes: Screw waiting for a punchline at 4am. What is red and invisible? No Tomatoes.

The Triple Fun-Pack Combo: Hanshin Tigers (Go Tigers!), Kirin Green Label Diet Beer (sure, it's happoshu and therefore tastes like shit, but it's the most drinkable of the lot of them and only costs ¥200 for a big can. If you have to drink shit-tasting "beer", you may as well drink one with 70% less calories) and the new Calbee Katage Traditional Chips (the closest things to Kettle Fries in Japan... .after diet beers, you can treat yourself!).

Do it to them before you do it to yourself, everybody

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