Hey, Hey, We're the Halfus!

By Jon Wilks

We alight from a countryside bus in the twilight of a summer's evening, early 21st century. The sun has made its retreat, leaving a purple and gold masterpiece splashed across the darkening sky. It's a tremendous sight, but our shoulders feel heavy with an ominous presence as the surrounding hills come into view. Black, forbidding, closing in with every step. The streets are quiet, and we know it's only a matter of time before the shadowy mutterings begin.

Gaijin da.

It carries almost imperceptibly on the wind. You hear it when you're sure nobody else is around. It taps you on the shoulder in the stillness preceding sleep.

While the metropolises are now accustomed to blue eyes and flaxen hair (natural, not gyaru), it seems that no end of grassroots internationalization and JET tomfoolery will silence the countryside whisperings. The nation is destined to remain backward, awkward and passively xenophobic. It's a dark mystery that threatens to pull us all back under.

But, wait! All is not lost. Look yonder to the TV studios on the hill. Can you not see the bright young things with natural highlights and an uncanny way with a second language? See how their shadows begin to fall long across the Shibuya scene. Watch how their dances sway the backwater hicks. This is not some flashy fad to be chewed up and spat out a la Ken Hirai. These super heroes are here to stay. Lord be praised, the Halfus have arrived!

Name: Becky
Alternative nationality: British
Birth: 1984
Special skills: TV presenting

Details: Becky appears to have built her reputation largely on the back of her English sense of femininity. A feisty character with a reputation for dishing the dirt on ex-boyfriends, the half-Brit has built a decent career as a TV presenter, comedienne, voice-over specialist and anime actress. Industry observers have pointed out that her can-do attitudes have become a selling point amongst young female viewers. A voice for the Japanese feminist movement, perhaps? Tellingly, her first job involved correctly pronouncing English names on a TV show – kind of like a glorified tape machine. So there’s hope for all of us, then.

Name: Anna Tsuchiya
Alternative nationality: Russian
Birth: 1984
Special skills: singing, acting, modeling

Details: Modeled for Edwin and UNIQLO from the age of 18. Formed Spin Aqua in 2002, releasing an album and several singles, before quitting in 2004 to give birth. Divorced from the baby's father (lesser-known halfu wunderkind, Joshua) in 2006. Broke into the Japanese Top 10 in 2006 with her third single, Rose, before traveling to Europe and taking Paris in a memorable performance at Japan Expo (see YouTube). Succeeded where so many "Japanese" artists have failed, by staging a successful world tour in 2007. Her film, Sakuran (a Japanese-made, considerably more explicit Memoirs of a Geisha) was a big hit both at home and abroad, announcing a talento truly worthy of the label.

Name: Christel Takigawa
Alternative nationality: French
Birth: 1977   
Special skills: news casting

Details: Born in Paris and spent her childhood yo-yoing between Japan and Europe. Studied at a Japanese university before joining Kyodo Terebi, surprising everyone by becoming a full anchor in her first year. Originally billed as Masami Takigawa, the company urged her to use her halfu handle, and a sexy supercaster was born. 7 years later, she vies for screen time with Yuko Ando on News Japan, keeping the tabloid writers slathering with figure-hugging outfits that emphasize a decidedly un-Japanese set of curves.

Name: Eiji Wentz
Alternative nationality: German-American
Birth: 1985
Special skills: comedian, singer-songwriter

Details: Another tarento with one foot in gaikoku is 22 year-old Eiji Wentz. A child star, originally appearing at the age of 10 as bassist on the musical show, Tensai Terebi Kun, Wentz has since gone on to big things as half of the J-pop duo, WaT, hitting the number 1 spot in November, 2007. During the interim, he has built a reputation as a promising comedian, famously turning down a chance to sign with the ever-popular Johnny’s Entertainment after being spotted by Hiromi Go for Burning Productions; a company less likely to turn him into a SMAP monkey. Respect!

Name: Angela Aki
Alternative nationality: Italian-American
Birth: 1977
Special skills: Singer-songwriter

Details: Raised in Japan but schooled in Hawaii, Angela won acclaim in the US before turning her attentions to Japan. Reached a high point in 2005 with Kiss Me Good-Bye, the theme tune to Final Fantasy XII. Caused a stir with the revelation that she recently married for a second time, this time to J-pop production god, Hide Sanjougi. And if all that aint enough to secure her future, it turns out she’s the AEON Eikaiwa heiress to boot.
 

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