Senseitional!

By Rex Chesney

Last month saw the publication of SENSEITIONAL, a book that may well be close to your sleeze-soaked hearts. Rex Chesney, a social observer who counts himself amongst the eikaiwa community, penned the controversial tome whilst doing time at a countryside branch of a now-deceased English factory. Those that star in it can think themselves lucky that he's changed their names; if you know who you are, you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself! In the familiar style of Tokyo Controversial, Cheseny serves up vomit-flecked tales of gaijin tomfoolery, and (sadly, perhaps) anyone who says they can't see a bit of themselves in these woeful stories is either a liar or St. Francis Xavier in disguise. What follows is for your moral edification.

Private Lessons
By Rex Chesney

Alex felt odd entering the classroom, for he was about to teach a lesson to a girl he'd slept with the very night before. There were two other students booked into the class, so he would have to put on his teacher face, and spout patronizing comments and platitudes throughout the lesson. It would be awkward correcting the girl's grammar mistakes, when less than twenty four hours ago, the two of them had been making the beast with two backs on his sweat-drenched single futon. But then again, the secret knowledge of this forbidden rendezvous would certainly make the lesson more scintillating. Perhaps they could exchange knowing winks, or play footsie under the table.

 In the classroom, behind the kidney-bean-shaped desk, the aforementioned young lady was perched between a retired civil-servant and another girl: an attractive kindergarten teacher.

 Alex liked to warm up his classes with a little banal banter, so he asked the old man what he had done the previous night.

 “I went to Italian restaurant with my wife.”

 “Really? That's nice. Although, you should say 'an Italian restaurant.' How about you, Hiromi?” With a sly raised eyebrow, he cheekily directed the same question at the girl he had bedded, and wondered how she would rise to the challenge. “What did you do last night?”

“I fucked you,” she stated, matter-of-factly.

 Gulp. Clearly this girl was not one to mince with words. Alex hadn't expected her to actually tell the truth. This outburst could spell serious trouble if the boss ever found out. Alex gritted his teeth, and his face turned crimson. “Oh...I...er..” Attempting to maintain a veneer of professionalism, he swiftly turned to the kindergarten teacher and, stammering slightly, asked her the same inane question. “So,...Yuko...what did you g-get up to last night?”

 This time, the inquiry was greeted with silence. Yuko was staring hatefully at Alex, and her cheeks were burning a shade of red to rival Alex's own. You see, I neglected to mention before that Alex had slept with her, too, a few weeks before. She had been hoping to take the relationship to another level, so it was maddening to hear news of his sleazy parlour games from a loose-lipped love-rival. Yuko only refrained from screaming herself hoarse because there was a respectable old gent sat in the room, unaware he was in the midst of a deadly love triangle.

 Alex had been an undercover Lothario for quite some time, treating the classroom like a meat/black-market. He had taken advantage of the school's “no-socializing” policy to the fullest. The cloak of secrecy had allowed the nefarious love-rat to conduct several illicit affairs at the same time, without being busted...until now! 

 After the deeply uncomfortable forty-minute class was finally over and Alex had escaped to the staff-room, the two women got talking. They soon learned all about his dastardly two-timing. They, in turn, told several other students with whom they were friendly, and it quickly transpired that naughty Alex had been getting jiggy with a fair few of their number.

 Word travels fast among gossiping eikaiwa students. The jig was up. Before long, a group of six women were gathered in front of the school, bickering with each other, squabbling about who had staked claims on Alex first, who he liked most, and who was in the wrong. Eventually, united by their fury at Alex, they put their differences aside and focused on a common goal. Like a witches’ coven, they plotted revenge. Hell hath no fury like several women scorned.

 The six splenetic ladies marched into the reception area of the language school and demanded to see the manager. Alex's boss was dumbstruck as the gang of irate women strode into his poky little office and, one after another, began to regale him with tales of Alex's despicable deceptions and debauchery.

 As the manager sat, gob-smacked, listening to these astonishing horror stories, he reached for the drawer containing the dismissal papers.

 Alex hadn't so much broken the rules, as pissed all over them from a very great height!

Private Lessons is published here with kind permission of the author, all rights reserved. Senseitional can be purchased online at: http://stores.lulu.com/senseitional.

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