Conbini Crimes Collected

By Jonti Davies

Lawson, 7-11, FamilyMart et al are not as innocent as they look. Behind the cold white glow of refrigerator lights and the phlegm-stained sneezeguards protecting so much fried food of dubious provenance, lies a tale of crimes against humanity perpetrated (most notably) by the Big Drinks Companies. Thus follows a collection of three recent experiences of being the helpless victim of some truly heinous conbini crimes...

shiso pepsi: how bad can it be?

Shiso Pepsi is a revelation. It reveals that no matter how you brand mouthwash and regardless of whether you expect people to swallow it or gargle it or floss with it, the stuff still tastes like HOSPITALS.

Why, then, did the suits at Pepsicorp deem this vile verdant fluid a viable option for a new take on their substandard version of Coca-Cola? If there's going to be any chemical warfare in the next few years, you can bet that Shiso Pepsi will be implicated. The UN needs to dispatch Hans Blix and his pals NOW to check that "rogue nations" aren't stockpiling this stuff.

Now excuse me while I puke in the toilet again.

...

...

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Yurrrgh. That's better.

kirin free: beer is dead

The "cause of and solution to all of life's problems" has been robbed of its potency! And here's the worst bit: it's Kirin, Asahi and co who are the culprits, with their new ranges of alcohol-free "beer" invading shelf space that should, in any sane world, be given over to Yebisu's mighty "The Hop".

I was stupid/brave enough to buy a can of the apparently-popular Kirin FREE, whose livery boasts of a liquid which is "Alc. 0.00%". That's not 0.1%, you understand; it's not 0.0% either; it's 0.00%! It tastes so bad that it probably deserves to have another digit stuck on the end there, just to absolutely confirm that this concoction is as free of alcohol as it is of any other redeeming feature.

Of course the target market for this drink and its teetotal chums is Drivers, those unlucky souls who are dragged along to nights out with friends purely on the basis of their willingness to abstain and then ferry the Drinkers back to their comfy pillows and sweet Sapporo dreams. If I was a Driver and someone offered me the "consolation" of a Kirin FREE, I'd feel deeply wronged. Why? Because it tastes like an exotically horrible mixture of honey, corn, and the condensation from a taxi cab's windshield.

Buyer beware. 

pepsi azuki: sweet beans gone wrong

Oh Pepsicorp, what has been flowing through your taps?! First, you gave us a nasty green substance that wasn't fluorescent mucus but might as well have been (see above); now you dare to present us with this: a Pepsi take on the flavor of azuki beans! Azuki in sublime zenzai? Yes! Azuki in delicious omanju? Why, yes! Azuki in tasty ohagi? Of course!

Azuki in ... Pepsi-Cola?!

For the love of dentistry, NO!

Granted, this stuff does have a bit of an azuki aftertaste. If you carefully exhale after a swig and employ your imagination like it's working in a sweatshop, then yes, there is some vague semblance of azuki-ness about the taste. Problem is, like so many things in the conbini, it's 100% synthetic gunk. Azuki Pepsi contains no azuki - just flavorings and chemicals and weird test-tube stuff that has been produced in a lab somewhere in a bid to convince you that this drink does in fact contain the magic beans. Um, I appreciate this may be too radical an idea for a multinational drinksmegacorp, but why not, well, you know, put some bleeding azuki beans in there?

My completely uneducated guess at Pepsi's next quasi-"cultural" reinvention? SHOUYU PEPSI (containing no shouyu). You heard it here first!

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