Ask Kazuhide - March 2010

By Kazuhide Otani

Harro. Some reader is criticize the my new T-shirt merchandises. They say, "Kazuhide, you is jumping the sharks!" I am say, "I EAT the shark, idiot!" Shark is dericious. By the way, prease purchasing my T-shirt as many you can. This is support the Kazuhide Otani retirement benefit fund.

Dear Kazuhide,

Coming from a small town in the countryside of Japan to a well-known taxi driver, how does it feel to have your face on a T-shirt? To know your face sits so close to the hearts of the people that wear your shirt? Have you signed anyone's shirt yet?

See you in the next Japanzine.

- Mike Bagley

Dear Mike,

Yes, it is true, I am perhaps the most famous person coming from Owase city. But it is not my goal to become the famous Japanese. My goal is to protect the Japan from cultural destruction. I am happy to sign the T-shirt of few walk the pilgrimage to my home in Owase.

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Yo Kazuhide,

I'm confused, Japanese police cars patrol the roads of Japan with lights flashing but no siren. And the cops look like kids in special education buses because they are wearing helmets inside the car. What is that about? In America, only motorcycle cops wear helmets and cops only put on the lights when the siren is on and they're going after the bad guy. Helmets on Japanese police in cars look ridiculous! And hey, what is it about the small cars Japanese police drive? Sorry, but how can they get respect or catch the bad Yakuza dude when they look so ridiculous in their tiny clown cars wearing helmets? 

- Laughing American Monkey Mike

Dear American Monkey,

Actuarry, Japanese NPA, or National Porice Agency, is make the special deal with Bandai Co., Ltd. in early 1950s, under order of Diet and Prime Minister Shigeru Yoshida-sama. New law exprain that "all Japanese police uniform is must have the kawaii look and condition, as well as car, helmet, and other accessory, to enable strong toy sales of police toy and games, and to enforce the obedience image of omawarisan strong into mind of young boy". In America, police is "die hard" with rip the T-shirts and broken glass foot, and disobey the higher authority. This is teach onry destruction to young American boy. As you see, the cute police toy and appearance is keep the society. Without the "special education helmet", our society is lose forever.

Dear Kazuhide-san,

Please explain to me why so many Japanese women wear shoes that are too large for their feet? I see them struggling to walk normally with clanking heels popping off their feet. Surely this cannot be good for their posture; why don't they just buy properly fitting shoes?

Gracias,

- Cubana in Tokyo

Dear Cubana,

This is special technique for girl to catching the man. The lady is pretend to fall from her terrible shoes, or perhaps she actuarry fall, and the man will help her to standing up. If she twist the ankle, he can walk her to the apartment. This is more powerful technique than the American way: wear the skirt with no panty, and be drunk until somebody carry you home to victory.

Dear Kazuhide-sensei:

Japanese people are usually so sensitive and polite about bodily functions, yet often Japanese men cough and sneeze loudly without covering their mouth. Why don't they seem to care about the people around them?

Thank you very much.

- Lisa

Dear Risa,

In Japanese Shinto religion, we berieve that the old person is die, their soul become returned to the nature world. When old man cough or sneezing, his pieces of soul is escape for young people to breathe to combine the energy. In Western, you say "bless you" to keep the soul, but we are inhale it deeply, for sharing!

Kazuhide-san,

Can you please tell me why most of the places in Japan do not provide FREE public wireless internet service (wi-fi) like 90% of the rest of the world does??!! In the past several years I've vacationed in Indonesia, Thailand, Korea, India, and most recently the Phillipines... ALL of which had FREE wi-fi service virtually everywhere I went! (Hotels, bars, coffee shops, restaurants, etc...) For Japan to have a reputation as being a technology leader in the world, it sure is behind the times in some areas!

- Computer Geek

Dear Geek,

Actuarry, our technology is too advance for you, that is why you missed it. Our entire country is have the 800Mbps direct satellite wi-fi (except for Saitama, of course). Our wi-fi scanner service is possible to scan the your DNA. All Korean, Chinese and white is deny the internet wireless access by our server. This is become the law in 2005 by order of Japan Diet. It is unfortunate, but there have been some Chinese internet attack on company and government data, so we decide it is the safest way. Half-Japanese can apply for a pass at the local city hall in their prefecture, and another foreigners can use the Yahoo! BB instead. (笑)

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