The Best of Kazuhide 2010

By Kazuhide

Over the years, Kazuhide has brought relief to hundreds of anguished gaijin, offering his time and wisdom to answer questions that have been making your lives intolerable. Here we present a sagacious smorgasbord of choice cuts, no question being too stupid for Kazuhide...

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Culture!

Dear Kazuhide,
Isn't it a bit stupid that Japanese people can only say either oishii or umai after eating something? Don't they have any other superlatives?

Josh (22) Tokyo

Dear idiot,
Is it also bit stupid that white people is ignore flavor and eat too much hamburger to make the stomach full only and go to doctor for magic pill to cure the fat? Appreciate delicious food is not stupid. Get fat and don’t know why, is idiot.

Hi Kazuhide-San
I have a question: why do salarymen always think I’m some kind of gaijin-pillow on the train? I know I may sound churlish, but sometimes it really annoys me, especially when they snore the salariman-sonata into my ear. Please give me an answer or I shall be forced to take immediate action with a loud speaker and some to-the-point keigo on my next train ride!!

SG

Dear SG,
You are bastard! How you can complaining the poor salaryman? He is working Tokyo soulless life like robot man, and wife no love him, and you can’t give him the shoulder to pillow? He also having to take TOEIC test so forced to see your idiot eikaiwa lesson and so tiring! But paying you so much money! You should gently stroking his hair and kiss him you fool!

Dear Kazuhide,
I have heard that many years ago, families would drive to the mountains and dump their elderly family members to walk aimlessly and die. I ‘understand’ the reasoning, but what is your take on this? Careful what you say. YOUR family might have plans in the works!

Pak

Dear Pak,
My family trying this, BUT I CAME BACK!!

Dear Kazuhide,
I wonder why a Japanese guy would gladly give his seat to his guy friend on a train or a bus, but rush to sit down and leave is girlfriend standing in a crowded bus/train? Nan de?!

Stella

Dear Stella,
Japanese man is working hard all the time. Japanese woman is eat at restaurant, eat sweets and cake, go eikaiwa lesson or salsa dancing school. Her ass is no need to resting!

Dear Kazuhide,
I’ve been living in Japan for a number of years. I’ve come to a conclusion about society here: there is the Right Way, the Wrong Way, and the Japanese Way. Any thoughts as to whether or not this is true?

Kelly

Dear Kelly,
I am so surprise! I think maybe your spirit is Japanese. Maybe you are first gaijin to understand Japanese mind. Please send me your picture and various body measurement.

Dear Kazuhide,
I have just returned from climbing Mt. Fuji, one of the more worthless experiences in my life. What is it about this mountain that holds such appeal for the Japanese people?

Jim

Dear Jim,
I already notify government authority to revoke your visa and passport. Thank you for coming Japan.

Dear Kazuhide,
What's with all the nose picking, and ear digging in Japan? Don't people know how disgusting it is?

Benny Lava

Dear Benny,
You are rude to be so intolerant the different relative cultural difference. I never comprain about Americans being fat, ugly and stupid. They can't help and it part of their heritages.

Dear Kazuhide,
Why is it that Japanese men need to undo their belts and unbutton their pants to use a urinal? Unzipping my fly almost always works for me. Thanks for your time.

Bobby Weaver
 
Dear Bobby,
Some Japanese is having the soba noodle. Some Japanese is have the udon noodle, require difficult trouser access. Some of the people, like you, is have inari zushi, allow the very easy to access.

Dear Kazuhide,
is it true that nihonjin wipe their dogs' behinds with toilet paper in the street after they go to the bathroom?

Matt

Dear Matt,
Yes, it is important to remove feces from ass before dog lick their ass and lick your face. This is common knowledge to we Japanese. I recommend Happy Puppy Extra Soft.

Dear Kazuhide,
Why do houses/apartments not appreciate in value over the years, unlike other places in the world? We're not talking about 3rd world countries; Japan is one of the most expensive countries to live in, technologically advanced, etc...

Ben Kan

Dear Ben Kan,
I disagree. I appreciate my 70,000,000 yen mansion very much. It is 10 tatami total including bathroom, and not worth much now, but I still appreciating it.

Sports!

Dear Kazuhide,
Why do so many sumo wrestlers smoke weed?

John
 
John,
I’m sorry, but even as the positive person, I have to say this is the idiot question. Are you not even think before you asking this? Marijuana is obviously increase the appetite of the Sumo!

Romance!

Dear Kazuhide,
My wife recently ran away with the neighbor and I had to force my only son to leave the house when I found out he was gay. Also, I was fired from my job because my company was going bankrupt. So, with all this time on my hands now, I was planning to reseed my lawn. So my question is, should I fertilize and top-dress before grading, or vice versa?

Constant Gardener

Dear Constant,
I see the deep of your problem. I should not surprise the gaijin have problem with this, but I help you. Mr. Gardener, you must ALWAYS top-dress. Apologize to your wife, and if she come back, apply the 70% nitrogen mixture, but no grading this year, or you lose her again. Your son CAN NOT BE SAVED.

Hi Kazuhide,
Did you ever get service at a Soapland joint? If so, did you reach new heights of transcendental bliss and explore the sensual mysteries of the universe?

Ed Sieckman

Dear Ed-san,
In some way, I am sorry turkish bath in Japan is not available to you. If you can enter there, you will see there is very innocent happy time to enjoy the land of soapy feeling. I not sure what you meaning, ‘transcendental bliss’ but I very enjoy to get the woman tongue in my ass’s hole.

Dear Kazuhide Sensei,
I’m having a problem with a young Japanese man (I’m of the female persuasion). I quite like him, and he seems to appreciate me too. We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for quite a while now, but he keeps on  behaving. I’m getting bored, frankly. Is he afraid of my bosom (E-cup)? I don’t want to push him too much, because I know about Japanese male pride. But frankly, it’s getting annoying. What should I do with him?

Noxie

Dear Noxie,
Thank you for loving the Japanese man. However, E-cup is terrifying. It is only seen in Japanese manga, and most think it is never real. Also, rest of your body is weight in proportion the breast, which means you are too heavy to joyful playtime in the bed. He is waiting for your diet to finish before attack you on the futon.

Dear Kazuhide,
Can you please explain why young Japanese women are so anxious to spend the evening with bald, middle-aged foreigners? The other night one young lady insisted that I take her home, which I happily did. She’s not the first; several others have thrown themselves at me, and I’m nothing to look at.

J. Lee

Dear J,
Please be sure you check for hairy golden ball sack between her legs.

Dear Kazuhide,
Why does my Japanese wife insist that I have a shower every time before we make love?

Peter

Dear Peter,
I sorry to need to explain this to full grown man. You needs to bath to wash the penis and make smell nice for sexual intercourse. I amaze you even have the sex this attitude.

Dear Kazuhide,
My name is William. I am an American-born citizen living in Japan. I have been living here nearly five years. I am hoping you can answer a question for me about marriage with a Japanese woman. Frequently, when I return home from work, I find my wife drinking with some of her friends. I don’t mind if she drinks, that is ok with me. But often my wife and her friends become very drunk and start insulting me and amusing themselves at my expense. This past weekend my wife threw a coffee mug at me which struck me on the forehead. It was extremely painful, and I began crying. Her friends all laughed, and I was made to look like a fool. I’m almost 65 years old, and should be shown more respect. But I can’t bear the thought of being without her, so I will not divorce. Is this type of situation common in Japan?  What do you think I should do?

William

Dear William,
I overhear this kind of abusive conversation in the piggly wiggly gaijin bar recentry. Old bald and fat expat with his young pretty girl, and she abuse him to her friend Keiko, “Keiko, look at my fat dumpy husband. His sperm is too weak to pregnant me, and he still teaching eikaiwa school after 19 years. I thought marry the white is big step for my future, but rook, still doing same stupid life as he first coming to Japan. Help me! Maybe I throw some object it wake him up to his poorly choiced life!”* So Dear readers, next time Japanese woman throwing something at your head, please waking up to your pitiful life in Japan.

* I transrate from Japanese

Biology!

Kazu,
Can you please tell me why it seems that Japanese medicines have almost no effect on foreigners? Every time I have a simple cold I hope I can find pills from back home so that I can avoid taking three times the Japanese dose prescribed in order to have some effect. Cheers my friend!

Ferre

Dear Ferre,
We are the sensitive people. Human sleep pill does not work the large heavy bull. And Japanese sleep pill does not work the American. Same the difference.

Dear Kazuhide,
Why do so many Japanese women have painful looking injuries below and on their knees? Is this from playing volleyball or something? Bicycle accidents? Feral cats?

Ed

Dear Ed,
All Japanese school girl love heroin. Leg damage is inevitable.

Hello Kazuhide San,
Why do Japanese women care so much to hide the noise that they make when they’re in the washroom? When did it actually become the ‘norm’ to have those music buttons to cover up the sounds? Do men’s washrooms also have the same music device?

Curious Me

Dear Curious,
Actuarry, Japanese woman is eat much soy fiber and have strong urethra. Their stream is strong natural waterfall sound. American man and woman eat Doritos and weak flowing. Japanese men also having the strong stream, like Asahi draft beer spigot.

Transportation

Dear Mr. Taxi Driver,
Why is it that all old drivers in Japan put that yellow and orange "Leaf" sticker on their cars but not the old, blind, coke bottle-wearing taxi drivers?

Mike Bagley

Dear Mike,
Wakaba sticker is ‘young leaf’, the yellow and green mark for beginner. Momiji sticker is beautiful fall color for the driver in Autumn time of life. Taxi does not have, because we are the professional driver, like the Nascar or Formula one racer. I hit the two Ganguro girl in my whole taxi career. But I not driving car at that time.

Dear Mr Kazuhide Sama,
Why can't JR trains operate when it is windy outside? Maybe they should have built the railway using expertise of British engineers, like in Burma.

Bromley Roberts

Dear Robert-san,
All good engineer use good slave. Egypt use the slave, Rome use slave, England use slave. Also, Japan is good to copy the technology another culture, so we use slave. In this time, it was the British soldiers. However, my father comprain during war time British POW is always want to drinking tea time, and die too easily.

PS. Our train not run the wind because Japan is safety country.

Dear Kazuhide,
I have a question for you: Do you think tired salarymen should leave their seats to pregnant women in the train ?

François de Montille

Dear Frank-san,
Yes, if he is tired, it is gentleman thing to do. However, if he is RETIRED, he can still use taisho-level etiquette. In Taisho, women give the birth standing up and squeeze the rope from ceiling. In these case, she must respect his older generation, and maintain the balance while stand. This improve balance athletic ability the baby also.

Dear Kazuhide,
I took the driving test to get a Japanese drivers license. Out of 12-15 foreigners who took the test, apparently only 1 person passed (and it wasn’t me). All these people had drivers licenses in their home countries. What’s the deal?

Ed

Dear Ed,
Japan is not third world country like Canada or Australia. We have the higher standard to permit automobile using. Japan is the safety country, not Iraq war zone.

Food & Drink!

Dear Kazuhide,
I’ve been in Japan now for about 4 years and there is still one thing I cannot seem to understand. Why does deer senbei taste so bad? And what’s with that outrageous price for only a couple of pieces?

Greener

Dear Greener,
Deer senbei is food for deer. Be careful eating, or later you making the small round fecal of deer pellet.

Dear Kazuhide,
Why do all Japanese sports drinks taste the same? What happened to diversity? Lemon, lime, orange and strawberry. Why do they all have to taste like grapefruit? It really sucks for people who don’t like grapefruit.

KT

Dear KT,
Prease, what about lychee? Why? Why did you forgetting about lychee?

Dear Kazuhide,
I like mayonnaise as much as the next guy, but why do Japanese put it on everything?

George Valko

Dear George,
I am very deepry sorry, but that is NOT mayonnaise.

History!

Hey Kaz!
Is it true that there were no cockroaches in Japan before WWII and that they came on American warships?

Dirk

Dear Dirk,
This absolutely true. And cockroach revel increasing all the time. Now they is working for Eon, Geeosu and especiarry Noba...

Dear Kazuhide,
Which historical person do you most identify yourself with and why?

Gerald in Tokyo

Dear Gerald,
Mostly, I identify to the John Wayne. That is because he walk rike man, talk rike man. His shits sit down. His pee stands up. This is a man.

Travel!

Dear Kazuhide,
Do you have plans for a speaking tour in the US?

Julanne Rutten

Dear Julanne-san,
Generarry, whenever I go to another countries, I speaking there. I listening too. I pran to speaking very much in United States, to practicing my Engrish.

Technology!

Dear Kazuhide,
I have a normal computer, but I would like to use hiragana/ katakana/ kanji sometimes in my writing. How do I do it?

Sensu

Dear Sensu,
You have no need to use hiragana on your computer. Prease continue to speak and teach Engurish to us. This is your job. Thank you.

Education!

Dear Kazuhide,
I’m a Japanese middle aged man learning Engrish at Noba and I have a question. Gaijins often say, “Oh my god!”, “My goodness!” or something in Engrish conversation. Sometimes I found it difficult to say the word “God” as a Buddhist. Is it alright if I say “Oh My Buddha!” or “My Buu!”? I want to hear your idea.

Takeshi

Dear Takeshi,
Congraturation you study Engurish! It is important for Japanese to be international. I recommend you say “Oh my Hotokesama”, as this sound better. Also, be careful when dealing with the whites.

Dear Kazu,

How's tricks? What IS it with Japanese people and learning English? This OL bird at my office is always hanging around trying to listen to me speak English on the phone, trying to practice English on me. Bloody hell! Why can't Japanese just learn English and get over it already?

Ewan (29) in Yokohama

Dear Ewan-san,
I not liking your attitude. Most Japanese can't speaking fluentry like me, but you should be more kind. Besides, do your English job, that's why you came to Japan!

Employment!

Dear Kazuhide,
Why is it that my boss always gives me lots of work to do at 4:55 or 5:15, when he knows that I am meant to finish at 5:30?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Just my suggestion, I don’t mean to offending, but maybe boss see you looking at clock all the times and think you are bored and needing something to do?

Dear Kazuhide,
I’m currently a missionary for the Mormon church, living and working in Japan. I was curious as to how you believe we could get more of the Japanese people to join our religion?

Brandon

Dear Brandon,
Japan having prenty religion. Mormon is another name for “church of latter day scientology”, I study this on internet, its followers coming to Japanese house want to talk to me about witness to Jehova. Sometimes girl is cute, so I rike mormon girl. Maybe you need more girl sales in short skirt and less gay boy on bicycle?

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Get Your Kazuhide T-shirt Today!

The T-shirt everyone is talking about! Get this season's Kazuhide-wear right here! The shirts cost ¥3,000 each, including tax and delivery to anywhere in Japan  (¥3,500 outside of Japan)

Delivery one week after purchase. Don't delay - get your limited edition T-shirt before they're all gone!

Order yours here

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fashion!

Dear Kazuhide,
Why do so many young men in Japan cultivate a long part of hair at the back of their heads, as if they want to party, yet maintain a short business-like crop at the front of the head?

Doug

Dear Doug,
This style is also called, “mullet”. It is wonderful haircut second only to chonmage style. A perfect combine of the working class and playful adventure man haircut. However, I prefer to make the full choice in the life, and do not rike the haircut of compromise.

Dear Kazuhide,
I’m like 6 feet 1. Will I be able to buy clothing and shoes in Japan? I like teen/high-end clothing.

John

Dear John,
No clothing for you, give it up John!

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