Jason Morgan (The Meat Guy) Answers Our Version Of The Proust Questionnaire

By Doug Breath

Jason Morgan arrived in Japan from his ranch in Nebraska 14 years ago and quickly established himself as The Meat Guy. His website (www.themeatguy.jp) reaches millions of customers across Japan, hungry for everything from thick juicy steaks to whole vegans. Doug Breath sat down with him over a tender slice of flesh, some fava beans and a nice chianti while he answered our version of the famous Proust Questionnaire…

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A half a dozen hookers and an open bar.  And maybe a unicorn, and some penguins.  I like penguins.
 
What is your greatest fear?

Aliens, aliens freak me the fuck out.  I’ve also taken to checking my e-mail in the washroom and I’m a bit scared I’m going to drop my i-phone in the toilet.
 
Which figure of history do you most identify with?

Jesus, because I’m pretty sure I’m right about almost everything. However, except for a handful of loonies, nobody really listens to me. I suspect I’m going to get strung up on a cross one of these days.
 
Which living person do you most admire?

Elvis
 
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Sometimes I realize that I’m just so damned pretty that it’s hard for people to take me seriously.

What trait do you most deplore in gaijin?

Gaijin who ignore other gaijin.
 
What is your greatest extravagance?

Two tall-boys of 8% chu-hi shortly before bed-time.  This is a nice arrangement because bed-time tends to happen shortly after the two tall-boys, regardless of what the clock says.
 
On what occasion do you lie?

Whenever I’m communicating with my wife.  I’ve found that whenever I allow her to share my reality, the repercussions are always bad.  
 
What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I don’t remember it. For most of history I wasn’t here. Then suddenly, boom! I appeared!  That must have been way cool.  I’m hoping that I’ll be paying closer attention upon my disappearance.
 
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity.  Chastity, and any post-pubescent practitioners of it, are stupid.
  
Which Japanese words or phrases do you most overuse?

Naru-frickin-hodo, I even say this when I don’t really understand what the hell was just explained to me and this gets me into trouble.
 
What is your greatest regret?

I’m not so big on regret, it always just seems to morph into embarrassment, shame, and humiliation.  But I’ve found that with practice, I’ve gotten quite good at living with embarrassment, shame, and humiliation.      
 
What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My two sons, but unfortunately, in order to raise them to be big strong manly-men, I can’t show it and must instead beat them daily.  With sticks.
 
When and where were you happiest?

Due to the nature of my vices, I’m unable to actually remember nearly all of my happiest moments.  I’ve seen enough photographic evidence and heard enough eyewitness testimony though that I can be reasonably sure that these happy moments did occur.
 
Which talent would you most like to have?

To fly, like superman, and be invisible, and have Jedi mind control.
 
What is your current state of mind?
 
I am totally rocked out and blissful, well as blissful as one can be at 2:47 PM without any beer.  Also slightly pensive about the future, a little annoyed with right-wing republicans, pleased with myself for not having really fucked up anything yet today at all, and slightly uncomfortable due to the heat.
 
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?  

I’d have some fucking talents, like being able to fly like superman, and be invisible, and have Jedi mind control.

If you could choose what or who to come back as after you die, what would it be?
 
I’d come back as this totally bad-ass dude that sells meat, and can fly, and be invisible, and has Jedi mind control, and a fuck-ton of money.
 
What do your consider your greatest achievement?

Once there was this chick who was kinda hot, and way outa my league.  I got her drunk and tricked her into marrying me and having my kids.
 
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?  

Being lonely.  And being hung-over and lonely.
 
What is your most marked characteristic?
 
Considering how brilliant, good looking, and honorable I am, I think my modesty is quite amazing.
 
What is the quality you most like in a man?  

Willingness to distract the fat friend.
 
What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
 
Loose morals and low self-esteem.  It is also helpful if she is less fat than me.
 
Who are your favorite writers?  

Dostoevsky, Dickens, and Willie Nelson
 
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
 
James Bond, a bit of a misogynistic, shallow, card-board cutout of a character, I see a lot of myself in Mr. Bond.
 
What are your favorite names?

Mercedes, Ginger, Candy, Tiffany, Bambi, Jasmine, Angel
 
What is it that you most dislike?  

The general lack of worship that seems to come my way.  I could really use a few people who would worship the ground I walk on, like down on their knees and shit.  I don’t need a whole bunch, just a handful, maybe a dozen or so. 

Even 10 would probably be enough, but not the same 10 all the time, I’d like my worshipers to change every couple of weeks or so, just to keep it from getting boring.  With an option of course, to keep any worshipers that I liked for longer than two weeks if I choose.  I don’t think that’s asking too much but I really dislike that fact that it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

How would you like to die?

I’d like to be surrounded by loved ones, all of them holding hands and praying for me as I gently slip away.  But then, I wouldn’t really die, I’d just be faking it, I’d probably even piss the bed just to make it seem realistic.  

Then once they were all gone and had finished crying and shit, I’d jump up, put on a new pair of pants, and head to Roppongi.  There, I’d get 8 to 10 hookers, a tank-load full of booze, and every illegal substance that I’ve never tried (and a few that I have), and I’d go out in a blaze of tequila, Viagra, glitter and cheap perfume.
 
Or, if someone could guarantee that in a couple thousand years from now millions of people would worship me, and tell fabulous tales about how I could show up at a barbecue with a fist full of sausages and magically feed thousands of people, I would consent to being crucified.  However I’m not so good with nails, so I’d need some sort of cushiony cable-ties to hold me up on the cross, a bit of shade, one of those self-service heroin IV drip tubes that they give to cancer patients, and a big screen TV playing Avatar or The Matrix or something. 

And I don’t want it to happen like next week or anything, maybe in a few decades, when I’m really old.  Unless, of course, medical science suddenly improves and in a few decades everybody is expected to live  to be like 300 years old, then I would want to push it back a bit further.
 
What is your motto?

Women who are willing to show me their tits are far more interesting than women who are not.
 
Can you write a Haiku for us?

I wrote this Haiku just now, all by myself, and it is called “Upskirt”

Breezy bicyclist
Moment of passing pedal
Polka dots on pink

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